Not in the plan

I have had some time to reflect on my experiences in the jungle, and although it was not exactly what I had expected since the field site I was supposed to go to was closed for political reasons, the project I planned to work on could not be done at the research site I did go to, and the cultural differences between the other researchers and I were massive...still I think it was an experience I will draw lessons from for the rest of my life.

Now that I am currently trying to find the direction I should take in life I realize that without this experience I would not have learned many things about doing research in another country and more importantly about myself. Such as the frustrating process of the government paperwork run-around and that you should never assume that paperwork will be done in a timely manner. It will be done, when it is done, which might be in one day for one person and in one week for another. Before going to Indonesia I had the idea that when you make a goal you just have to be diligent to accomplish it. I was rudely awakened from this naive notion when every plan I had fell apart within the first few days. Talk about a learning curve! I had the choice to either give up and go home or to just make the best of the situation and try to scrape together whatever I could so that I could get some field experience since I had already spent all my savings (and money raised from friends and family, as well as a grant from the Psychology Department at my university) to get to Indonesia.

It wasn't ideal, but is was real. I learned that when forced to I can navigate the intricate workings of foreign governments, the cultural nuances of conversing with people in another country, and most importantly I can accept the limitations of my control and just react to the situations presented instead of breaking down because I lacked the ability to be the master of them. This was and is probably the most important lesson I learned in Indonesia. I know that it may seem trivial but I have spent most of my life thinking that I was the the director of my destiny, I could make a goal and work towards it and if I worked hard enough I could achieve anything. But every time I thought I had control of the situation something else happened that knocked me off my high horse again. I was angry and depressed. I wanted to run back to the comfort of my life before, my life where hard work was rewarded with goals accomplished. But as the Rolling Stones say, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find, you get what you need."

This fall was bound to happen sooner or later, but the fact that it happened in a place so hostile and demanding was crushing. It took all the plans I had made for my life and ripped them out of my hands. I realized that the real world outside of the protection of undergrad is vicious. Rather than ordering it around in the drivers seat, I would actually be on the defense and reacting to what comes. Knowing this and deciding to let go of my grip on everything and just see what fate served up is honestly the hardest challenge I have ever encountered. I am not done, I still catch myself holding my breath and trying to work the angles of most situations to try to force them to come out the way I think they should (or that I want them to). But when I remember that I could be more effective by not worrying so much about what I want to happen but reacting to what is happening, living right now instead of so much in the past or future, I realize that I can let out that breath and just live. This might be something I work on for the rest of my life, but I do not want to be so focused on trying to manipulate my life and miss out on the good spontaneous things that happen. So I will try again and again to remember to do what I can with what life gives me and try to enjoy the ride.